Driver
“I only have a rough idea of what a railway worker is /
a beard a pipe a deep voice a cocky attitude.”
OCTOBER 21, 2025
Line Drive
With a finger
I stop a train
a mass of around four hundred and sixty tons forty-two thousand kilos
six thousand times mine
that my digits stop on a dime
With my hand resting on the console
with three fingers half bent for support
and my thumb for balance
my index finger meets no resistance
like when I press on a keyboard
But nothing happens
the train doesn’t react
consisting of three numbers
the speedometer needle does not move
neither do those of the manometers
the brake cylinder needles stay inert
pointing to zero
Am I jamming
I spill sand between the wheels and the rails
to regain adhesion
I hit the emergency stop button
Nothing
the buildings keep parading by with the same energy
I pull on the direct brake and race over to the screw brake
I turn the wheel
the train persists on its course
a thousand passengers behind me
by my side
in my head in my conscience in my remorse
all speeding toward the station
All that’s left in the way of a leaf spring suspension
to cushion the coming impact
are futile actions and despair
Use the soles of my shoes jump from the machine dive
under the console
I was walking on the crest with my eyes closed they just opened
my circulation just went into reverse
I feel my entire anatomy
from the veins to the capillaries
all my veins are visible now
my epidermis has turned into a railroad map
I am bathed in a pool of doubt
Awake with a start
pillow sheet and silence of the night
I did not know until now
that work follows us
while we are resting
I rewind
The projectionist at a movie theater without an audience
I am waiting to be laid off
On the platform
of a seriously delayed commuter train
I go
as a simple passenger
to question the conductors
Due to bad weather
the Driver is on another train running late
a band of storms was invading the south
Then one of them asks me
You want to drive the train?
It was only then that I associate
this metallic serpent with a human
it’s a haphazard prompt
to go from surfing the web
to nonstop travel
a useful trade and motion
no office or sedentary living
a skilled worker
technical knowledge and a particular know-how
manual labor some would say
quite a prospect for a guy
with family members
who buy a new bike
when they get a flat tire
I only have a rough idea of what a railway worker is
a beard a pipe a deep voice a cocky attitude
a guy who stands up for himself
who shows the boss what’s what when he throws his weight around
like that Driver who stops his TGV
in the countryside
wheat fields to the left
fallow land to the right
and strands his boss in the middle of nowhere
in nature with no platform in sight
It would make a good screenplay
I like this idea
maybe it’s possible to stay free
In the LLC
The first time I am turned away
with a letter expressing great regret
it isn’t a Dear John letter
there is the procedure
You understand I still have to get over my recent relationship
it’s still fresh it isn’t healed over yet
Like a terrier I mean to persevere
and would have gone on until I received certified mail
asking me to stop harassing them
all ready to defend myself in court
Their rejection was not convincing your honor
Narcissus wounded but nevertheless spared
I learn that it isn’t me
it’s the recruitment freeze
the main valve is closed
Sealed with impermeability its priority
The following year the valve allows a trickle
of water stagnating through the joint
the product of condensation
I manage to slip into the depot
hugging the red brick wall
I prepared myself
trained for the final phase
pool play quarterfinal semifinal
several appointments during which I take a battery of tests
to get an idea of who I am
what I’m worth
fielding questions sometimes as pertinent as
Do you ever start crying when you’re alone
since I am responsible for
the lives of hundreds of passengers
A profile is requested and meticulously studied
stay calm and lucid
quickly analyze the data and act coolly
quick response in the face of an incident
a disruption as they are called
I feel ready
Some of the people who preceded me advised me
not to mention public service
it was no longer in fashion
you should stress ambition
meaning career advancement
climbing the ladder
being a Ouinner
a blessed budding yes-man and let your no be crucified
Some of the tests remind me of old video games
with primitive graphics
a little train to reconstruct with the mouse
a sliding ball you have to replace before it falls
take the shortest route
A matter of clicks
In this moment the world is divided into two categories
gamers
who collected consoles in their bedroom
and those who curse their parents
for having deprived them
on the grounds of schoolwork
We are all sitting along a hallway
waiting our turn
Geoffroy across from me
whom I don’t know yet
who just took the train for the first time
and doesn’t know that he’s going to take it a lot more from now on
Gaël who turns the pages of a magazine much too fast
to give the illusion that he’s really interested
and others who stare at a point on the wall
like archaeologists eyeing
a potential dig
I am one of the archaeologists
Final interview with the two managers of the place
where I might be posted
a narrow room and a desk between us
one in a tight suit
the other in relaxed-fit chinos and polo shirt
I am stuffed into a jacket bought for the occasion
a neutral bland beige color
ironed to hide a rumpled freedom
and give me a stature that isn’t mine
I would never wear it again
One of the managers is sarcastic and aggressive
the other sweet and understanding
I have Good Cop Bad Cop sitting in front of me
and
I play my part
feeling like a cheat
Sometimes laying it on too thick
What do you think an engineer’s weekly schedule is like?
(sitting upright in the chair)
Forty-five-hour weeks, right?
And the idea of working nights Sundays and holidays?
(my body won’t cooperate)
Love it
What do you think the salary is?
(what should I do with my arms and legs?)
A little higher than the minimum wage, right?
I’m going a little too heavy on the vibrato
the string is going to break
but in the end it does the trick
I do the trick
I occupy one of the seats
in this game of commerce where we have to
make the merchandise, which is us, shine
so as not to be left on the platform
while others will go on receiving
rejection letters
my positive scrap of paper may be the only thing
that distinguishes me from them
The Visit at the Finish Line
Only one more appointment
the medical office
radiologist cardiologist ophthalmologist
I’m shucked
are they going to remove my organs to weigh them compare them
The left lung is missing two hundred grams
A cigarette butt was found deep inside
Here, you may put your eye back in
I have always enjoyed being taken care of
all this attention being paid to my health
is really too touching
All the hurdles are behind me
psych tests interviews and the medical examination
I only need to savor the moment while I wait for the mail
and the letter confirming my feeling
at least that’s what I believe
I’m on the way home
when I get a call
You were chosen training starts Friday
in two days
I don’t have time to celebrate
what to me resembles
a victory in a Grand Slam tournament
I hoist the Roland-Garros trophy
without speech or ceremony
pronto
I step on the Wimbledon grass
I hang up and
standing in one of these still so unfamiliar trains
I put on my headphones
with the sound all the way up
“I’m Deranged” by David Bowie
as I observe the passengers around me
that I will soon drive.
Route Study
I am assigned to Paris
at least that is what I believe
I was sent a map
with a cross on Achères
next to Saint-Germain-en-Laye
I’m from the Provinces
as they say over there
But Saint-Germain
speaks to me
Sartre Boris Vian the Café de Flore
for a split second I think
my depot is in the heart of Paris
The internet era is in its infancy
I look at a map of the Paris metro
taped to a friend’s refrigerator
vestige of a visit to the capital
and by following a red line thicker than the others
by moving away from the center of culture
history and monuments
I find the station where I am supposed to stop
Achères-Grand-Cormier
I already imagined myself
before leisurely going to TAF[1]
strolling among the bookstalls on the banks of the Seine
It’s a fail
Preferring illusion to reality
I remain evasive about my destination
sending a clichéd postcard
to each of my grandmothers
Mia Nonna Calabrese
My Breton Granny
on either side of the Alps
each receiving
so as to avoid tension
or a global conflict
their shimmering Eiffel Tower
In the train
the next station to appear on the board is
Achères -Grand-Cormier
the hour of truth
the discovery of a new territory
Two of us get off the train
three counting the dog
a platform lost in a big empty space
scattered railroad cars
unlimited rails
crossties and ballast
sand pyramids at intervals
a landscape built for a practical objective
exclusively practical
aesthetics being bound gagged and buried
ten feet deep
under the water treatment plant
I cross out the idea of going for a stroll
I am not aware that I am settling down
for several decades
5475 days
131400 hours
7884000 minutes
473040000 seconds
A second is a long time my mother used to say
when she called me
from atop one of the towers in the neighborhood
while the ball was bouncing on my foot
two plane trees lost in the asphalt
serving as an improvised goal
À Oui Clos [2]
There’s a dozen of us in a classroom
twelve hatchlings
whose apprenticeship consists of breaking the shell
and escaping from the predator locked in with them
THE TRAINER
a class where repeating does not exist
if I fail I’m fired
the trial period lasts as long as the training
everything has been expertly calculated
The trial period
I feel like a pair of trousers in a changing room
let’s hope the size is right
that I will make it to the checkout counter
and not simply be thrown all wrinkled into the basket
inevitably destined
to return to the department of those who are waiting
The first day in the Company
I discover that I have an ID number
my new name
seven numbers punctuated by a letter
I need to memorize it
because it is going to follow me the whole journey
the whole of my life
I’ll be asked it more often than my first name
So I’m rebaptized and imagine
my mom and my dad at city hall
birth certificate
we have chosen
our child’s name is 1809026T
congratulations that’s a pretty name
welcome to the world 1809026T
I soon meet Ach for the first time
he comes over to me while I’m hanging out
in the training center
between an old brick building
occupied by the cleaning crew
and the maintenance shop
facing the commuter train garage
Are you inside today?
Yes why
We’re in the field and I forgot my yellow belt
will you lend me yours
the yellow belt is the most important part of our IPE
Individual Protection Equipment
which makes us visible around the tracks
Failing to wear it during the training period
is to be subjected to the Trainer’s electric arc
way more terrifying than Zeus’s lightning
We study a pile of books
as high as Granny’s sideboard
THE REFERENCE BOOK
three kilos five hundred seventy-eight grams
in seven volumes
the vocabulary uses the same alphabet
I feel reassured
but the words in isolation are foreign to me
I don’t dare assemble them yet
for fear of overheating my brain
A language that needs taming
and words that suffer from apocope
eroded letters and shaved syllables
transfo for transformer and diji for disjunctor
rève for reversibility
and this all the way to my place
In my hastily found studio
I repeat the words aloud
punctuated by the weight of this new burden
that sometimes makes me miss the editing table
and the film reels I unwound
What must my neighbor think
behind these thin partitions
of my soliloquy?
I recite a vocabulary soon reduced to simple acronyms
It’s a blow to my morale
when I learn
that twelve thousand of them circulate
within the Company
and my brain is bogged down
when I am told
that the same initials
can have multiple meanings
depending on context
like BM for Block Manuel or Bogie Motor
or CC for Courant Continu
Court Circuit or Coupe Circuit
And CD for Cadre Dirigeant or Chargement Défectueux[3]
as Yann discretely points out
The machines themselves display
a multitude of names
Machine motor or engine
the BBs and their serial numbers
Similcat or Autome[4]
Rib Rio Vébé and Nat
I swallow mechanical words covered in grease
coil spring
small and large reducer
empty loaded mode guide walls struts
trunnion nuts and Scharfenberg coupler
even sentence fragments
on the machine diagrams
which leave a veil of mystery
in my mind still preoccupied with heroism and quest
like this phrase extracted from the chassis of the beast
Floating ring at hollow shaft drive’s end
We learn a foreign language
spoken by a population
of tens of thousands of people
spread out over the entire country
whose territory is made up of branching tracks
A language that becomes embedded in my daily life
which is how I start shunting like crazy
Damn I shunted the bread
Go ahead I’ll shunt it
Sorry I shunted you
[1] TAF is an acronym for travail à faire (work to do).
[2] À oui clos, playing on the phrase à huis clos (behind closed doors) is an untranslatable pun meaning voluntary confinement.
[3] BM stands for Manual Block or Bogie Motor; CC stands for Continuous Current, Short Circuit, or Circuit Breaker; and CD stands for Head Manager or Defective Load.
[4] Short for rame automotrice, which is a self-propelled train, as opposed to one pulled or pushed by a locomotive.
Excerpted from Driver (New York Review of Books).
✺ Published in The Dial
