How to Be a Good Soldier’s Wife
Russian women embrace the rules of wartime femininity.
NOVEMBER 7, 2023
For more than a year, Russian women have been receiving instruction in how to be “proper” soldiers’ wives. They’ve been doing so with the help of officials, public figures, online support groups, life coaches, NGOs, and TV programs. They have been taught that the ideal soldier’s wife takes care of the home and children, and tends to the family hearth. She never cries, complains, or questions her husband’s decision to go to war, and she puts up with his bad behavior. In return, she is granted the title of “hero’s wife.”
“Five rules to live by for wives of Special Operation (SVO) participants,” “What to do on holiday, to make sure your husband returns to the SVO on a high note?!” “What to say on the phone to inspire a man in the SVO?” These kinds of posts are published regularly on social media channels and public pages for the wives of Russian soldiers. These online groups began to appear after partial mobilization was announced in Russia in September 2022. Unlike chat groups, which are usually created by the wives of military personnel in a specific city or unit, public pages and groups bring together women from across the country. We located more than twenty such communities on Telegram and VKontakte, the Russian equivalent of Facebook, with memberships ranging from several dozen to 55,000 people, and spoke to some of their participants to investigate the “new femininity” that is emerging as a result, how it harms women, and why, in spite of everything, many women feel quite comfortable inhabiting this role.
Don’t Complain
A public page titled “Wives and the SVO” on Vkontakte gives women advice about how to talk to their husbands on the phone. “Instead of ‘I’m at the end of my rope, or ‘I’m tired,’ or ‘I can’t go on without you,’ try saying ‘things are hard without you, but I’m getting through it,’ or ‘things will be so much better when you’re home,’ or ‘things are so good when you’re here.’”
There are more than 7,500 people subscribed to the Telegram channel and more than 9,000 on VKontakte. Descriptions of these communities claim that they are run by military correspondents. Their anonymous administrators refused to comment on this story, citing lack of time.
The women are advised to praise their husbands, to tell them they love them during every phone call, and not to get offended if their husbands respond rudely. Don’t complain, don’t be annoying, don’t pick fights about the relationship, and never, under any circumstances, cry, because, one poster advises, “men can’t stand women’s tears.”
These groups and channels act as guides to military life for civilians. On public pages, women ask questions such as how to apply for injury pay, what to do if payments are late, how to support their husbands, how to cope with anxiety, whether it’s possible to have fun with a husband on the front, and whether one can celebrate a birthday while he’s away. These questions are answered not only by the page’s anonymous administrators, but also by other wives.
Be Positive
Irina Gumarova, a young woman from Krasnoyarsk, was pregnant when her husband was mobilized. She says that stress made her pregnancy difficult, but not as far as her husband knew –– Irina kept the stress to herself, so as not to worry him. She resolved to follow the same principle after giving birth.
“It’s hard being on my own. When my husband is out of touch for five days at a time, I worry a lot. But when he calls, I make sure to express only positive emotion and try never to cry,” she said.
Other soldiers’ wives with whom we spoke admitted that they also chose their words carefully when speaking with their husbands.
“I don’t burden my spouse with problems, daily life, and the kids. I solve our family’s issues myself,” said the wife of a soldier in Stavropol and graduate of Moscow’s Gerasimov Institute of Cinematography, Elizaveta Chernyshyova. “We’re always doing well, as far as he knows. My faith allows him to stay positive. My advice to all Russian women is that faith and love are the best support. And never cry on the phone.”
“You become a hero’s wife rather than the wife of Vaska who’s out boozing on the stoop.”
“Of course, I tell my husband about our kid’s bad report cards, about our younger daughter’s broken knee, that it’s hot outside, or it’s pouring rain,” said another soldier’s wife, Lidia Shestova, from Gorno-Altaysk. “But I always finish by saying, ‘Take care of yourself, my love, and be sure to come back. We’re fine here, but if you were nearby we’d be even better.’”
“It’s harder for him, there, than for us, here. Me crying about the burden of responsibility that has fallen on me isn’t going to help him in dangerous situations,” explained Kristina Somova, from Chelyabinsk. Before the war, her husband was an entrepreneur who owned a vegetable shop.
The logic of the online groups is self-reinforcing. Women convince themselves and others to believe, pray, be patient, and never cry. Those who start panicking or whining have been advised to “get a hold of yourself and stop sniveling.”
At the end of the winter, Irina Gumarova confessed to other women in the closed Vkontakte group “Wives of Soldiers and Contractors” that she felt awful when her husband was out of touch. She wrote that in such times her heart “screamed in anguish,” but right away she assured herself and others that “everything will be fine and soon our men will return home alive and healthy.” In the comments, other women advised her to think positively, for “good always begets good.”
Inspire Victory
The government actively encourages the image of a “proper” soldier’s wife. Across the country, photo projects glorifying women as the “keeper[s] of the hearth” have been launched, in which participants get dressed up and have their pictures taken surrounded by their children and relatives. Next to each picture, women post messages to their husbands, which often include declarations of love and promises to wait and pray. These campaigns include the “Photos for Papa” initiative in Belgorod, the “We’re Waiting for you Back Home, Soldier,” in annexed Crimea and occupied Donetsk, and “The Wives of Heroes” in Samara. Photographs are published in public exhibitions and in VKontakte groups for each participating town.
The largest of these projects, “Wives and Heroes,” is curated by Ekaterina Kolotovkina, wife of Russian Lieutenant General Andrei Kolotovkin. Ekaterina Kolotovkina said that the project’s aim is not just to celebrate servicemen’s wives: “It has a deeper mission. To bring women together so that they can provide mutual support.” In 2023, the last two of these projects received 3.8 million ($39,000) and 3.1 million rubles ($31,800) respectively from the Presidential Grants Fund.
Local officials, mostly men, attend the openings of these exhibitions and speak about the proper conduct for the wives of servicemen. Women are told to wait for their husbands “with their heads held high,” to be “strong and beautiful,” to “believe, hope, and love,” to “impart strength and energy,” to be “a reliable homefront,” and to inspire the men to win the war.
“Behind every strong man is an equally strong woman. She imparts faith, heals with love, and protects the family hearth,” said head of the Lyubertsy Council of Deputies Vladimir Ruchitsky at an opening in July.
“I see here today women who are not just beautiful and photographed in interesting ways. Today I see real wives and mothers. The same kind of Russian women who, throughout the ages, have stood ready to support their husbands. You have your own front today — the homefront,” said Dzerzhinsk mayor Ivan Noskov at an opening in April.
The war has offered a kind of social advancement for some women who are still seen as second-class citizens: “You become a hero’s wife rather than the wife of Vaska who’s out boozing on the stoop,” said Talaver. “You go from marginalized person to person of worth, and get a place in the pantheon of national heroes.”
Don’t Pick Fights About the Relationship
Based on posts and comments in thematic groups and chats, women spent the first months after the mobilization consoling one another with predictions that the war would be short. But as the summer approached, their conversations became tense. Anticipation of an imminent victory was replaced by unhappiness. Women began to write that they were tired of being alone, and about their battles with anxiety. Happy reports about a husband getting back in touch or coming home on leave alternated with posts about deaths and funerals. But even those who’d lost their husbands kept assuring others that a wife’s highest duty was to believe and hope.
When a husband stops saying “I love you” and is rude, women are advised to be patient, hold back their tears, and respond with the words: “Oh, how I miss you.”
“Be patient, girls, and pray, pray that your husbands come home alive!!!” a woman named Ilona wrote in late April in the group “Wives and Mothers of SVO Soldiers and Volunteers.” She continued: “Sadly, the father of my child has been killed.”
Growing anxiety about the protracted war has not provoked any debate in women’s communities about the implications of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Instead, women have increasingly begun to ask how to keep their long-distance relationships strong. Some felt alarmed by a new tenor in their phone conversations, with husbands becoming gruffer and ruder, or even demanding a divorce. Other women, by contrast, boasted that their husbands had changed for the better, becoming more interested in family life, buying them gifts and flowers online.
Those who were upset because their husbands had become angry and taciturn were told to be patient and to “not vent your feelings on the phone.”
The “Wives and SVO” public page has published several posts addressing this very situation. When a husband stops saying “I love you” and is rude, women are advised to be patient, hold back their tears, and respond with the words: “Oh, how I miss you.”
Manage stress
The wives of soldiers are given dozens of different methods to relieve stress. The state allocates money for psychological support groups and thematic communities post self-help advice about getting through a separation from one’s husband.
The public page “Wives and the SVO” tells women to imagine every day that their husband has come home, to prepare breakfast for him, and then go and create a “festive atmosphere” by decorating the apartment and buying gifts.
Wives themselves are constantly sharing stress management tips. In groups and on social media, they discuss loading themselves down with as many tasks as possible as a distraction from bad thoughts. Some keep themselves busy with creative projects, like paint-by-numbers and knitting. Others pray and do volunteer work.
Lidiya Shestova in Gorno-Altaysk tries to distract herself by any means possible: she goes to church, does humanitarian work, and recently began renovating her apartment.
Elizaveta Chernyshyova from Stavropol found a radical solution: She goes to visit her husband on the frontline where, she says, she spends the night with him in the trenches.
“I take up a collection and buy him everything he needs: TVs, groceries, clothes. All the other husbands are jealous and say, ‘Now that’s a wife!’” Chernyshyova boasts.
Many women seek help from life coaches, tarot card readers, and fortune tellers. Such “specialists” have subscriber audiences from several hundred to several thousand people and charge more than 3,000 rubles per consultation.
Some of the psychologists consulted by soldiers’ wives are against the war. This puts them in a difficult position: they can help the wives of Russian soldiers, thereby indirectly supporting the war, or choose not to see them.
Our paper, Verstka, found hundreds of posts on social networks with the message “focus on yourself” or “regain your tranquility.” In a post titled “Russia and Ukraine,” the life coach and numerologist Svetlana Pavlova advises clients to “focus inward in difficult moments, distance yourself from external stimuli,” and “don’t get involved.” Life coach and tarot card reader Kristina Chubuk tells soldiers’ wives that “If a woman loves her man or her sons, she can protect them with her thoughts. A woman is all-powerful in this regard and has no equal.” Neuro-linguistic programming practitioner Galina Pervushkina teaches her subscribers to look on the bright side of the war, crossing over to a “contemplative mode of thinking”: “None of this is in vain. These events are bringing us to our knees. And this will lead us to reassess our values.”
Some of them simply did not answer Verstka questions about inquiries by soldiers’ wives. Others claimed that such women do not seek them out, although they actively address the topic of the SVO on their blogs.
Many women consult with psychologists, whether in private practice or in state or state-cooperative centers in Moscow, Saint Petersburg, Samara, Novosibirsk, Tolyatti, Belgorod, Kamchatka, and other regions of Russia. In 2023, the presidential grants fund allocated grants for the provision of psychological assistance to soldiers’ families in various regions.
“In my consultations with women whose husbands are at war, I have noticed that the couples’ political and civic values cease to matter and the important thing becomes sustaining oneself and one’s loved one,” says psychologist Irina Obudovskaya from Moscow. “And all a person and his loved one needs is to –– I don’t want to say ‘to put on blinders’ –– but to insulate themselves, so that various opinions, judgments, condemnations, and disputes stay out of their minds, because these won’t help them survive. Those who support and encourage them, who teach them survival skills, help them survive.”
Some of the psychologists consulted by soldiers’ wives are against the war. This puts them in a difficult position: they can help the wives of Russian soldiers, thereby indirectly supporting the war, or choose not to see them.
“When I begin therapy, I never know ‘whose side’ my new patient is on. And I think that’s a good thing, since, either way, these women and their children need help,” explains psychologist Olga Ivanonva (we have changed her last name). But she admitted feeling embittered when she thinks that their sessions may be funded by the paycheck of a soldier or mobilized person.
Don’t Ask Questions
When discussing current events in thematic groups and chats, the wives of soldiers adhere to the official narrative of the war’s causes. None of them publicly question whether their husbands are committing crimes at the front.
All the participants in women’s thematic communities with whom Verstka spoke said they never talk to their husbands about what they are doing at war.
When asked how she would react if she learned that her husband had shot at civilians she replied: “I certainly wouldn’t judge.”
“My husband says I don’t need to know,” said Elizaveta Chernyshova, the wife of a soldier from Stavropol. Despite this, she is confident that her husband would never kill a civilian. “He went on the condition that he would never shoot at a child. He has four children of his own and is a very good father. If he was given such an order, he would violate it,” Elizaveta said.
She claims not to know what is happening at the front: she doesn’t read or watch the news because she distrusts the media. Elizaveta said that she has often tried to find out what exactly her husband’s unit is doing from other soldiers, but they won’t tell her: “They all keep quiet and won’t say anything.”
“The subject of the SVO barely comes up on the phone. Only the latest news that everyone knows,” says Kristina Somova, the wife of a soldier from Chelyabinsk. When her husband came home on leave, Kristina said that they did their best to “make every day amazing” by spending time with friends and family and having fun. She said that no one brought up the war at all.
Kristina rarely reads the news — she doesn’t trust state media, and other media reports on the killing of civilians in Ukraine are too disturbing. Kristina believes that Russia is targeting civilians, but thinks it is justified.
“Few people understand or want to understand the fact that this is a war. And sometimes one’s self-preservation instinct wins out,” she says. When asked how she would react if she learned that her husband had shot at civilians she replied: “I certainly wouldn’t judge.”
This article was originally published by Verstka.Media in August 2023. It has been edited and translated.